Shiva: A Complete Guide to the Jewish Mourning Period

What is Shiva?

Shiva (Hebrew: שִׁבְעָה, pronounced "shih-VAH") is the week-long mourning period in Judaism observed for first-degree relatives. The word comes from the Hebrew word for "seven," referring to the seven days of intensive mourning that begin immediately after burial.

During shiva, mourners remain at home while friends, family, and community members visit to offer condolences, share memories of the deceased, and provide practical support. This practice—often called "sitting shiva"—creates a sacred container for grief, allowing mourners to experience the full range of emotions while being held by their community.

The custom is observed for a parent, spouse, sibling, or child. Rather than rushing through grief or returning immediately to normal life, Jewish tradition acknowledges that mourning is holy work that requires time, presence, and community.

Key Facts About Shiva

7 days

Traditional mourning period based on Genesis 50:10 and Job 2:13

Source: Torah

5 stages

Aninut, Shiva (with 3 intense days), Sheloshim, Year

Source: Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh De'ah

3 daily

Prayer services for mourners to say Kaddish

Source: Jewish law

"The Shiva period is designed to give the mourner the opportunity to withdraw from the concerns of daily life and to concentrate on the memory of the deceased."

Rabbi Maurice Lamm

Rabbi, Author of 'The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning'

The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning

Biblical and Talmudic Origins

The practice of shiva has deep roots in Jewish scripture and rabbinic literature. Understanding these origins helps us appreciate how this tradition has been shaped over millennia.

Genesis 50:10 — Joseph Mourning Jacob

The primary Torah source for seven-day mourning appears in Genesis 50:10, where Joseph "observed a mourning period of seven days" (וַיַּעַשׂ לְאָבִיו אֵבֶל שִׁבְעַת יָמִים) after his father Jacob's death. According to the Talmud Yerushalmi (Kesubos 1:1), it was Moses who later instituted that all Jews should mourn for seven days following Joseph's example.

An Even Earlier Source: Mourning for Methuselah

The Talmud (Sanhedrin 108b) traces the practice even earlier—to before the biblical Flood. The rabbis interpret Genesis 7:10, "And it came to pass, after the seven days, that the waters of the Flood were upon the earth," as referring to a seven-day mourning period for Methuselah, the oldest man who ever lived, before the Flood began.

"God will turn your festivals into mourning."

— Amos 8:10. The Talmud (Moed Katan 20a) notes that the festivals of Pesach and Sukkot are each seven days, drawing a connection to the seven-day mourning period.

Consoling Mourners as Divine Imitation

The Talmud (Sotah 14a) teaches that consoling mourners was originally an act of God Himself. This tractate cites Genesis 25:11: "After the death of Abraham, God brought blessing to Isaac his son." Just as God comforted Isaac after Abraham's death, so too are we commanded to bring comfort to mourners with our presence.

Later Codification

Jewish mourning practices were first comprehensively codified by Maimonides (Rabbi Moses ben Maimon, 1138-1204) in his Mishneh Torah, specifically in the Laws of Mourning. The practices were further clarified in the Shulchan Aruch (Code of Jewish Law) written by Rabbi Joseph Caro in the 16th century, particularly in the Yoreh De'ah section.

"Originally, the expense of burying the dead was harder for the family than the death itself... until Rabban Gamliel established the practice of simplicity."

Talmud Moed Katan 27b

Talmudic Source

Talmud Bavli

Who Observes Shiva?

According to Jewish law (halacha), shiva is observed by seven categories of first-degree relatives:

Relationship	Hebrew Term	Obligation
Father	Av	Required
Mother	Em	Required
Son	Ben	Required
Daughter	Bat	Required
Brother	Ach	Required
Sister	Achot	Required
Spouse	Ish/Isha	Required

These individuals are considered aveilim (mourners) and observe specific customs during the seven-day period. Extended family members, close friends, and community members typically visit to offer support but are not bound by the same restrictions.

Customs and Their Meanings

Each shiva custom carries deep symbolic meaning, connecting mourners to generations of Jewish practice while providing a framework for processing grief.

Sitting on Low Chairs

Mourners traditionally sit on low stools, boxes, or the floor during shiva. This practice likely derives from the story of Job, whose friends "sat with him on the ground" (Job 2:13) during his time of grief. In Ashkenazi tradition, mourners sit on low-cut chairs; in Sephardic tradition, they may sit on the floor or on pillows.

The symbolism is powerful: sitting lower represents being brought low by grief, humility before God, and—as some rabbis explain—being closer to the earth where the loved one is now buried.

Covering Mirrors

All mirrors in the shiva house are traditionally covered with cloth or paper. While folk tradition held that this prevented the dead from reaching out "from the other side," rabbis reinterpret the custom as encouraging inner reflection rather than concern with physical appearance.

Shiva is a time for focusing on the soul—both the soul of the departed and the inner spiritual state of the mourner. Covering mirrors removes the distraction of vanity and self-consciousness.

The Shiva Candle (Ner Daluk)

A large memorial candle is lit at the beginning of shiva and burns continuously for seven days. This ner daluk (burning light) symbolizes both the soul of the deceased and the divine presence. As Proverbs 20:27 states: "The soul of man is the lamp of God."

While some scholars trace this custom to 13th-century Germany, others believe it emerged from Italian Kabbalists in the 17th century. Regardless of its exact origins, the flame serves as a constant reminder of the eternal nature of the soul.

The Meal of Condolence (S'udat Havra'ah)

Upon returning from the cemetery, mourners are served the s'udat havra'ah (meal of condolence)—the first meal they eat after the burial. The Talmud directs that this meal must be provided by others, not prepared by the mourners themselves.

Traditional foods include hard-boiled eggs (symbolizing the cycle of life, with no beginning or end), lentils (which are round for the same reason), and bread (the staff of life). This meal, prepared with love by neighbors and friends, helps the mourner begin to accept sustenance and, symbolically, life itself again.

Not Leaving the House

Mourners traditionally remain at home for the entire seven days, withdrawing from the world to focus on their grief. The community comes to them—bringing food, participating in prayer services, and offering presence.

Refraining from Work and Personal Care

During shiva, mourners abstain from work, shaving, haircuts, bathing for pleasure, wearing leather shoes (a sign of comfort and luxury), marital relations, and studying Torah (except for books of mourning). These restrictions create space for grief and remove the distractions of ordinary life.

"A mourner is forbidden to work during all seven days of shiva."

Shulchan Aruch

Code of Jewish Law

Yoreh De'ah 376:1

"Mourning is an in-depth experience of loneliness. The ties that bind one soul to another have been severed, and there is a gnawing sense of solitude. To remain incommunicado is to express grief over the disruption of communication with someone we love. At certain times every person has a right, even an obligation, to be alone. This is such a time."

Rabbi Maurice Lamm

Rabbi, Author of 'The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning'

The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning

Key Hebrew Terms

שִׁבְעָה

Shiva(shih-VAH)— "Seven"

The seven-day mourning period observed for immediate family members.

אָבֵל

Avel(ah-VELL)— "Mourner"

One who is obligated to observe the laws of mourning for a close relative.

נִחוּם אֲבֵלִים

Nichum Aveilim(nee-KHOOM ah-vay-LEEM)— "Comforting mourners"

The mitzvah of visiting and providing comfort to those in mourning.

סְעוּדַת הַבְרָאָה

Seudat Havra'ah(say-oo-DAHT hahv-rah-AH)— "Meal of recovery"

The first meal after burial, prepared by others for the mourners.

Denominational Differences

While the core concept of shiva is shared across Jewish movements, practices vary between Orthodox, Conservative, and Reform communities.

Orthodox Judaism

Full seven days observed (except for Shabbat and holidays)
All traditional restrictions strictly observed
Only men count toward the prayer minyan
Men do not shave during shiva
Sitting on low chairs required

Conservative Judaism

Full seven days traditionally observed
Both men and women count in the minyan (egalitarian)
Most traditional customs observed, with some flexibility
Greater openness to individual family practices

Reform Judaism

Often observed for three days rather than seven
Customs like sitting low and covering mirrors are optional
Emphasis on personal meaning over strict observance
Acceptance of cremation (prohibited in Orthodox/Conservative)
Both men and women count in minyan

Regardless of denomination, the fundamental purpose remains the same: creating sacred space for grief and surrounding mourners with community support.

Visitor Etiquette: Paying a Shiva Call

Visiting a shiva house—often called "paying a shiva call"—is a mitzvah (commandment) and an important way to support mourners. Here's how to do it with sensitivity and respect.

Before You Arrive

Check the posted shiva hours—families often designate specific visiting times
Find out if the family keeps kosher before bringing food
Dress modestly and appropriately
Men should bring a kippah (yarmulke) or be prepared to wear one provided

Entering the Shiva House

Traditionally, visitors do not knock or ring the doorbell—you simply enter the house (the door is often left unlocked). This custom exists so mourners aren't disturbed or required to act as hosts. If you're uncomfortable with this, it's acceptable to try the door first, then knock gently if needed.

What to Say

The traditional practice is to wait silently until the mourner speaks to you first—a custom based on Job's friends who "sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spoke a word to him" (Job 2:13). This acknowledges that there are no words adequate for profound loss.

Once acknowledged, simple expressions are best:

"I'm so sorry for your loss."
"I'm here for you."
Share a specific memory of the deceased if you have one

Avoid clichés like "they're in a better place" or "I know how you feel"—these often don't comfort and can feel dismissive.

What to Bring

Food: Prepared meals, deli platters, fruit baskets (check if kosher needed)
Donations: Make a charitable donation in the deceased's memory
Your presence: Simply being there is the greatest gift
Do NOT bring flowers—this is not a Jewish mourning custom

When Leaving

Keep your visit brief—typically 20-30 minutes unless invited to stay longer. As you leave, the traditional farewell is:

"HaMakom yenachem etchem betoch she'ar aveilei Tzion v'Yerushalayim"

"May God comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem"

Virtual Shiva: A Modern Adaptation

The COVID-19 pandemic transformed many aspects of Jewish mourning practice. When gathering in person became impossible, communities turned to technology to maintain the essential function of shiva: bringing comfort to mourners.

How Virtual Shiva Works

Virtual shiva typically uses video conferencing platforms like Zoom. Families set specific times when visitors can "drop in" to the video call, share memories, offer condolences, and participate in prayer services.

Benefits of Virtual Shiva

Enables participation from distant relatives who cannot travel
Allows immunocompromised individuals to participate safely
Creates recordings that families can revisit
Reaches community members who might not attend in person

Limitations

As Rabbi Miriam Herscher, a chaplain specializing in grief counseling, noted: "Zoom shiva, despite its challenges, has been a source of comfort for many mourners—but it still can't replace a hug."

Virtual shiva cannot fully replicate the nonverbal comfort of physical presence. However, grief counselors recommend supplementing virtual visits with handwritten letters, meal deliveries, and phone calls to provide more complete support.

Post-Pandemic: The Hybrid Model

Many families now use a hybrid approach: in-person shiva for local community members, with virtual sessions at specific times for those who cannot attend in person. This model has become a lasting innovation in Jewish mourning practice.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long does shiva last?

Shiva traditionally lasts seven days, beginning immediately after burial. Orthodox and Conservative Jews typically observe the full seven days, while Reform Jews may observe three days. Shiva is interrupted by Shabbat (mourners don't sit shiva publicly on Saturday) and is ended by major Jewish holidays if they fall during the seven days.

What should I say when visiting a shiva house?

Simple expressions like "I'm sorry for your loss" are perfectly appropriate. If you have a memory of the deceased, share it—mourners often find comfort in hearing how their loved one touched others' lives. Avoid clichés like "they're in a better place." Upon leaving, the traditional phrase is "HaMakom yenachem etchem betoch she'ar aveilei Tzion v'Yerushalayim" (May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem).

Should I bring flowers to a shiva house?

No, flowers are not appropriate for a Jewish shiva. Instead, bring food (check if the family keeps kosher), make a charitable donation in the deceased's memory, or simply offer your presence and support. Food gifts are especially helpful since mourners are not supposed to cook for themselves.

Why are mirrors covered during shiva?

Mirrors are covered to help mourners focus on inner spiritual reflection rather than physical appearance. It symbolizes that during this sacred time of grief, vanity and outward concerns are set aside to focus on the soul and memory of the deceased. Some also interpret it as removing any distraction from the mourning process.

Can non-Jewish people attend shiva?

Absolutely. Non-Jewish people are welcome and encouraged to attend shiva. Your presence shows support for the mourning family regardless of your own religious background. Dress modestly, follow the lead of other visitors, and feel free to participate in prayers or simply sit quietly with the mourners.

What is a shiva minyan?

A minyan is a quorum of ten adult Jews required for certain prayers, including Kaddish. During shiva, prayer services are held at the mourner's home so they don't have to leave. In Orthodox communities, only men count toward the minyan; in Conservative and Reform communities, both men and women count.

What happens after shiva ends?

After shiva, a 30-day period called sheloshim begins. Mourners gradually return to normal activities but continue to avoid celebrations and entertainment. For a parent, mourning continues for eleven months with daily Kaddish recitation. After the first year, the yahrzeit (anniversary of death) is observed annually with candle lighting and Kaddish.